Denial

Having an affair with a married man requires being in a constant state of denial. Denying true desires of solid, sure, consistent love and company. Denial of how hollow their platitudes feel when they claim you mean so much to them. The whole relationship is predicated on people denying truths to themselves and lying to others. Which is why it’s perpetually linked to the first stage of grief. Affairs will always end, and rarely ever the way you want them to end, and if you think your affair is different, you’re in denial.

I’ve never been one to settle into safe love because I have seen how unsatisfying it can be long term. I also know where my heart is inextricably linked, and have never wanted to put an unsuspecting soul into the crossfires of a bond I’ve had for twenty years. Never unrequited, we ebbed and flowed with the seasons. Sometimes as hot as fire, other times as cold as a winter day in the arctic. I met him at a park as a teen, and I remember how much I hated the new place I was in. He felt like home. The autumn wind whipped my hair wild, and he’d pushed it out of my face as we kissed in a slide for the first time. I didn’t realize it in that moment, but I believe I met my big life love that day in the park.

He made good feelings bubble inside me with anticipation for new mornings. He could calm any and every storm I was going through. My tears? No match for his wit and charm. My anger? No competition with his steady demeanor and level head. My sadness? A challenge he was always up to vanquish. He could make me laugh until I cried. Those days and lots of the years that followed were good, but I knew they could be better. We parted ways, as life tends to do with young lovers. I went to college, and focused on other people and things, he stayed in his hometown for a while and then went overseas. We never lost touch though, always wondering if our paths would cross again so we could make something shake.

I was optimistic for a long time... and then I had my daughter. My focus changed drastically with a new child in my life. He even met her when she was about one. The visit was brief, and we were fairly cordial, just catching up and chatting. Looking back, I think we both were in denial about our feelings for each other. Opting to keep moving forward in life without entertaining the idea of working through the complications that would come with trying to start a relationship from across the world with a baby in tow. A baby that wasn’t even his, but I’d decided to keep because it felt right. A baby I loved so deeply no matter the circumstances I brought her here under. A baby he said should have been his… but that’s not how life works. I held out hope for a while longer. Making it to my late twenties with a fantastic career, he had a career of his own. We were doing well, and still in constant communication whenever I wasn’t mad about something. That something usually being our relationship status (or lack thereof). Then he met her, and everything changed.

Coming Soon: Anger