Dear Diary

My new hyper-fixation is a British R&B singer. Her name is Raye, and the way she stacks her vocals reminds me of the meticulousness of Beyonce. Not saying she’s on that level, just that her vocal ability and attention to detail is reminiscent of the layering of the Queen. Her most recent release is titled, “Where Is My Husband!'“ and it makes me giggle because I’ve asked that question a lot over the years, until now. I really don’t care where he is, he’ll find me when the time is right.

I’ve had my ex-loves on my mind a lot lately and I’m not quite sure why? I have certainly learned what I can from those situations and most importantly I’ve moved on… mentally and physically. My dreams are still filled with replays of the most pivotal moments of these relationships though. I’ve pondered if I’m supposed to be looking for something in these replays, or if it’s merely a highlight reel in light of me intentionally taking time away from romance. In truth, I don’t see myself jumping back into dating anytime soon. I’m simply not interested in it. The concept of partnership, marriage, has looked more bleak than ever because I don’t see the value in being permanently attached to someone. I don’t see the value of always having to navigate lies and deception. I certainly have no desire to fulfill an arbitrary household role for a man. My friendships seem so much more important and fulfilling to me at the moment. I think it’s because they pour into me just as much as I pour into them. They’re also fun without the added pressure of sexual activity.

I don’t care about sex right now, and I expect that I won’t think about it earnestly until I’m entertaining marriage again. I laugh at it now because it’s such a stark difference to where I was a year ago, but I think experiences reveal so much to us, and my most recent relationship showed me that I’m not ready for that task yet. Or maybe, I’m ready, just not with that person. I’ve always been sure footed about who I want to be with, something that I have not experienced is someone reciprocating that, and I no longer want to entertain it. Not even if they come back… especially not if they circle back. That tells me that they don’t have confidence in finding something better, so they’re settling. That’s not a good feeling to have walking through eternity with someone. I deserve so much more than the people I’ve entertained and so, my focus is myself. My child. My friend and family. My community.

Everything else will land where it’s supposed to. That thought absolutely brings me peace.